What if We Had Missed This?

This is something that I distinctly remember Steven Curtis Chapman saying in a video interview he did on adoption. I think his words were, "and to think, I almost missed this." He was referring to his first (of 3) adopted daughters from China. As Ally sat on the bed tonight, more interested (for the first time) in her toys than the video we have watched together each night, I had that same thought. What if we had not done this? Where would she be now? How much would we have missed out on? What an incredible blessing we would have missed. I know another family would have "swept her up" quickly, so we would have been the ones to miss out. I remember about 2 years ago, when I finally let myself seriously consider doing this (after years of reasoning out of it), and, even then, how many times I talked myself out of it, because it wasn't "practical" for our family. So many reasons not to adopt, but now that we have her, I can't seem to make sense of any of those reasons!

So what if it was expensive?

So what if it took what seemed like forever?

So what if it meant another college tuition and wedding?

So what if we are too old to "start over"?

So what if we had gotten rid of all of our baby stuff?

So what if we might get sick in China?

So what if...etc?

Yes, she is beautiful. I am so encouraged just tonight with her progress. It is slight, but any progress seems monumental. For the last few days, she has just been sort of "here", not really doing anything much - in a daze, I guess. I'm sure that is part of her coping mechanism kicking in, and that she is scared and in shock and grieving her loss. Yes, it's hard to watch her "get sad" for no apparent reason and turn her head from us. It's very hard; but I can't imagine how hard it is for this tiny,tiny person. She has been through so much in her little life, and especially in the last 3 days. Today we bought some toys at the supermarket, and at first I thought they were too babyish - rattles and plastic toys to hold and shake. Just before bed, she was sitting on our bed with us (S and L are in their room) and she was shaking them and examining them. One of the toys is a cylinder with a ball inside that she can see and touch, but the ball won't come out. This has not outwardly frustrated her, but she has "worked" on getting that ball out all evening. Also, in the van today, she touched and played with my bracelet for several minutes - turning it and pinching each little bead. May not sound like much to most folks, but it was great to see just that little bit of interest and interaction. She shook the little Advil container and tried to use it to get the ball out of the cylinder. I wanted to put her in her GT shirt that we brought her for that picture, especially when she tried to use the camera cord to get the ball out! A little future engineer. One other little tiny thing that we noticed as she sat in my lap at the desk while I typed my last entry, is that she was using her toes to clank the drawer pull - also, I heard a few little noises from her then. That is the first noise (other than crying) she has made while I (of any of us) was holding her. It was quite and not much, but I'll take it. Am I grasping at straws? Maybe. We are trying to be very observant, that's all!

We tried to put her Minnie Mouse sunglasses on her that Miss Randi, Brittani and Shelbi brought her from Disney, but her nose is too tiny to hold up the glasses!!!! It was quite funny - does it sound like we are playing dress up? I think it does.

She is such a sweet little girl. She will put her arms around your neck and put her head on your shoulder. Maybe she doesn't want to look at you, but it is sweet none the less! She doesn't totally avoid looking at us, only on occasion.

I'm a bit worried about tomorrow, for Ally's sake, as well as for S and L. And D, for that matter! You see? I'm a worrier (from what I hear, Doug made that clear in his previous post)!!! S and L do not want us to take her, they fear she will be too sad and cry when we have to leave. Anyway, I don't know how it will be to actually see/visit her orphanage - to imagine the August night (probably) when her birth mommy left her at the door; to see the nannies who loved her and cared for her for almost 2 years, and to see her friends who are waiting for their families to come soon or someday. I'll probably be the one who cracks and they will all be fine -- that will be OK with me! I don't want a set back in the progress she has made. It's a hard call, but I am pretty sure we will all go.

So, it's time again for us to call it a night. Our day was less eventful than the last two and we spent most of the afternoon and all evening in the hotel (hurt daddy and rain kept us close by). Very happy to have power and AC! Sally just laughs at us, and she will say "it has air conditioning inside" - as a real perk! She has been so wonderful. Very flexible and accommodating. It helps that our family is her entire group this week. All we have tomorrow is the orphanage visit, and maybe a trip to the crutches store (he is actually telling me he is better, so we'll see).

I am so excited to see the comments and we all enjoy reading them. Doug asked me to read them out loud, since he is an invalid (I reminded him that can be pronounced 2 ways!). I can barely make it through without crying a litte when I read the sweet things that you people say. Some laughing as well, which is good! I'm so glad to have this connection to home. It has made everything much more fun. We look forward to seeing the comments every day. I have been a blog addict for a little over a year. I have more adoption blogs in my favorites than anything else! I'm usually a blog stalker and only comment on people I know personally. Believe me, I have cried my share of tears reading the accounts of families who travel to China to get their daughters! Many of them people I don't even know, and only a few of people I do know! My friend Debbie encouraged me to start this blog and I'm so glad I have this documentation of our journey to Ally. (I am in a blog withdrawl - not only can I not see my own posts, I cannot read any of my favs!)

A man we met along the adoption way said, "everybody has their own adoption story" and we are so glad you are allowing us to share our story with you! I can't even imagine "if we had missed this." Yes, it has been hard in many ways, but in the end, none of those details matter!